Dear Maggie,
Since you left for your field trip:
I was downtown paying bills, sending off job apps, etc. I pass mission plaza. Who do I see? Stacy! I would have stopped to say hi, but I am convinced she had just finished a deal with one of her tweeker pals.
Upon returning home, I realize that she (again) has left her stereo on a wall vibrating volume, playing to an empty apartment.
Stacey runs everywhere. And not your typical "I'm in a hurry" running. It is more of the "I'm crazy and freaking out" running. She runs like this down her stairs, out her door, and to her car, before pulling one of her no-look u-turns across four lanes of traffic. Then she comes back and runs up to her door.
Less than an hour later, Stacey takes off for another run--final destination: her car. But this is where it gets good. Rather than taking off, gas pedal to the floor, across all lanes of traffic, she instead opts to maintain her current path. In the parking lane. To the right of the bikers in the bike lane.
As I type this, I am scared. There are strange noises, stomping, voices, hammering--but no Stacy.
Come home soon. Please.
Philip
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Why is Stacy so crazy?
Dearest Stacy,
You are crazy. Really crazy.
Do you remember the night of April 10th? I was at the Poly baseball game, and Maggie had some of her girlfriends over. As one of the girls was coming in, you were at your door, and insisted that she take your vacuum cleaner. When she did not take your vacuum cleaner, you threw it at her.
You are crazy.
One and one-half weeks ago, I worked a half-day, only at a single job. This meant that I was home in the middle of a weekday. What did I do with my time? I was working on beating New Super Mario Bros. Wii. So I am home alone, playing video games in my living room. No stereo. No friends. Just me. Next thing I know, *KNOCK* *KNOCK*. You're at my door. "Can you please keep it down, I am working on something." Dub-tee-eff? Note: Volume was set at 7 on the tv. While watching 24 late Monday nights (DVR recorded so we're often after 10PM) the volume gets upwards of 40 and beyond. I am skeptical that my game is preventing you from hammering on your walls.
You are crazy.
I woke up yesterday morning to find a small metal carabiner clip on our back deck. Not mine. Not Maggie's. Sometimes things have come over our shared fence. So since we are avoiding contact with you, I placed this clip between our front doors, on our mutual front porch. This evening, we headed out the porch and the clip is gone. Maggie noticed a large bulge under our doormat. Upon further inspection, we find the missing carabiner, next to a large, hook-shaped tool. We share the walkway and stoop with you. We suspect that the clip is yours. Why, rather than taking it back, do you hide it under our doormat with a second, larger, odd, peculiar item?
You are crazy. Really Crazy.
Best Wishes,
Philip
You are crazy. Really crazy.
Do you remember the night of April 10th? I was at the Poly baseball game, and Maggie had some of her girlfriends over. As one of the girls was coming in, you were at your door, and insisted that she take your vacuum cleaner. When she did not take your vacuum cleaner, you threw it at her.
You are crazy.
One and one-half weeks ago, I worked a half-day, only at a single job. This meant that I was home in the middle of a weekday. What did I do with my time? I was working on beating New Super Mario Bros. Wii. So I am home alone, playing video games in my living room. No stereo. No friends. Just me. Next thing I know, *KNOCK* *KNOCK*. You're at my door. "Can you please keep it down, I am working on something." Dub-tee-eff? Note: Volume was set at 7 on the tv. While watching 24 late Monday nights (DVR recorded so we're often after 10PM) the volume gets upwards of 40 and beyond. I am skeptical that my game is preventing you from hammering on your walls.
You are crazy.
I woke up yesterday morning to find a small metal carabiner clip on our back deck. Not mine. Not Maggie's. Sometimes things have come over our shared fence. So since we are avoiding contact with you, I placed this clip between our front doors, on our mutual front porch. This evening, we headed out the porch and the clip is gone. Maggie noticed a large bulge under our doormat. Upon further inspection, we find the missing carabiner, next to a large, hook-shaped tool. We share the walkway and stoop with you. We suspect that the clip is yours. Why, rather than taking it back, do you hide it under our doormat with a second, larger, odd, peculiar item?
You are crazy. Really Crazy.
Best Wishes,
Philip
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Chronicles of Stacy, Part I
Dear Stacy,
Now that we've been neighbors for a good... oh... 8 months, I thought it was finally time that I address some of your habits which are not only hella annoying, but that are becoming somewhat worrisome in terms of how safe I feel sharing a wall with you. To begin, let's chronicle the interactions that we have had just so that we're all on the same page.
Move-in day, September 2009
Maggie: Hi! I'm Maggie, and this is Philip. We're your new neighbors!
Stacy: Dude hey, what's up. Dude that's awesome. Yeah, I mean, I'm Stacy. I live here by myself, you know, but I'm cool. This place is totally chill. Those guys over there just moved in (*points to my other next door neighbor) and there totally chill. Mark over here is chill, we're just all chill.
M: Oh...kay, cool. Well nice to meet you.
S: Yeah dude that's chill. It's great that you're moving in because we can watch out for each others' places.
M: (*???) Great. Well, have a nice day.
Encounter with Mark (Stacy's other next-door neighbor) October 2009
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG.
Phil and I woke up to the sound of someone banging very loudly on what we thought was OUR front door. We also woke up to the slightly muted sound of the Beach Boys... loud enough that I could actually sing along to the song... coming from your apartment. It was 2:30am.
Since I was too scared to go downstairs and see what the hell was going on, I made Phil go. Apparently, Phil opened our front door to your OTHER neighbor, Mark, who was trying to WAKE YOU UP TO TURN DOWN YOUR RADIO. Unfortunately, Mark, Phil, and myself all know that this is a habit of yours... to turn on your stereo to an 80s rock playlist on repeat, and leave for the weekend. I don't so much mind the music choices, but I think we'd all agree that jamming to Billy Idol at 4:00 in the morning isn't something I regularly like to do.
Unfortunately for you, this was the beginning of our alliance with Mark, against you.
Request for Security, November 2009
This was one of the first times that you asked us to "keep an eye" on your place whenever you're gone. I think it went something like this...
M: Oh hey, Stacy, how's it going?
S: Hi guys. So I've been having some problems with some people coming over here that shouldn't be here, okay. And I've been trying to get away from that, you know?
M: Ummm... what?
S: Yeah, well, you know, I used to party a lot, you know. And I'm just trying to get away from that now. So there's a couple of guys that might come around but I'm just not really into that anymore, you know? So if you see people around, you know, then they're probably not supposed to be here. So anyways, I'll let you guys know when I'm leaving for the weekend or somethin so you can keep an eye out, you know.
M: Uh, sure. Yeah, just let us know.
--
There ended up being 2 specific problems with this arrangement:
1) You never once told us when you were leaving for an extended period of time. We only knew because your radio would be on for 3 days.
2) You have strange people over your house everyday. I don't even think I've seen the same person there twice. Now, I'm not here to judge, but your behavior over the past 8 months has led Phil and myself to draw the following conclusions:
-You may be a prostitute. You keep very odd hours... regularly are up until 4 or 5 in the morning, banging tools and moving furniture, falling down the stairs repeatedly. I don't even know. You have strange men and women coming into your house at all hours, and like I said before, they are always a new visitor as far as we can tell. Mark has commented that your "lesbian love noises" keep him and his wife up at night. I feel bad for Mark, but am overjoyed that our bedrooms don't share a wall.
-You do some hard-core drugs. You are extremely paranoid. You twitch. You yell... to yourself? You dig through your own trash in your backyard. You have guests that come in and out with black duffel bags... Maybe you're the dealer!
Cop behind our houses, January 2010
Phil and I were going out to our cars to leave somewhere, and lo-and-behold, there was a police officer parked in your parking space! We were surprised to say the least, but he seemed like a nice guy so we said 'what's up.'
P&M: Oh, hello!
Cop: Hey guys, how's it going? Do you know your neighbor?
M: A little... (*sees Stacey walking outside to meet with the Cop)
Cop: Does she have mental problems?
P&M: shrug
The day we knew you had mental problems, February 2010
BANG BANG BANG...
To be continued...
Sincerely,
Maggie
Now that we've been neighbors for a good... oh... 8 months, I thought it was finally time that I address some of your habits which are not only hella annoying, but that are becoming somewhat worrisome in terms of how safe I feel sharing a wall with you. To begin, let's chronicle the interactions that we have had just so that we're all on the same page.
Move-in day, September 2009
Maggie: Hi! I'm Maggie, and this is Philip. We're your new neighbors!
Stacy: Dude hey, what's up. Dude that's awesome. Yeah, I mean, I'm Stacy. I live here by myself, you know, but I'm cool. This place is totally chill. Those guys over there just moved in (*points to my other next door neighbor) and there totally chill. Mark over here is chill, we're just all chill.
M: Oh...kay, cool. Well nice to meet you.
S: Yeah dude that's chill. It's great that you're moving in because we can watch out for each others' places.
M: (*???) Great. Well, have a nice day.
Encounter with Mark (Stacy's other next-door neighbor) October 2009
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG.
Phil and I woke up to the sound of someone banging very loudly on what we thought was OUR front door. We also woke up to the slightly muted sound of the Beach Boys... loud enough that I could actually sing along to the song... coming from your apartment. It was 2:30am.
Since I was too scared to go downstairs and see what the hell was going on, I made Phil go. Apparently, Phil opened our front door to your OTHER neighbor, Mark, who was trying to WAKE YOU UP TO TURN DOWN YOUR RADIO. Unfortunately, Mark, Phil, and myself all know that this is a habit of yours... to turn on your stereo to an 80s rock playlist on repeat, and leave for the weekend. I don't so much mind the music choices, but I think we'd all agree that jamming to Billy Idol at 4:00 in the morning isn't something I regularly like to do.
Unfortunately for you, this was the beginning of our alliance with Mark, against you.
Request for Security, November 2009
This was one of the first times that you asked us to "keep an eye" on your place whenever you're gone. I think it went something like this...
M: Oh hey, Stacy, how's it going?
S: Hi guys. So I've been having some problems with some people coming over here that shouldn't be here, okay. And I've been trying to get away from that, you know?
M: Ummm... what?
S: Yeah, well, you know, I used to party a lot, you know. And I'm just trying to get away from that now. So there's a couple of guys that might come around but I'm just not really into that anymore, you know? So if you see people around, you know, then they're probably not supposed to be here. So anyways, I'll let you guys know when I'm leaving for the weekend or somethin so you can keep an eye out, you know.
M: Uh, sure. Yeah, just let us know.
--
There ended up being 2 specific problems with this arrangement:
1) You never once told us when you were leaving for an extended period of time. We only knew because your radio would be on for 3 days.
2) You have strange people over your house everyday. I don't even think I've seen the same person there twice. Now, I'm not here to judge, but your behavior over the past 8 months has led Phil and myself to draw the following conclusions:
-You may be a prostitute. You keep very odd hours... regularly are up until 4 or 5 in the morning, banging tools and moving furniture, falling down the stairs repeatedly. I don't even know. You have strange men and women coming into your house at all hours, and like I said before, they are always a new visitor as far as we can tell. Mark has commented that your "lesbian love noises" keep him and his wife up at night. I feel bad for Mark, but am overjoyed that our bedrooms don't share a wall.
-You do some hard-core drugs. You are extremely paranoid. You twitch. You yell... to yourself? You dig through your own trash in your backyard. You have guests that come in and out with black duffel bags... Maybe you're the dealer!
Cop behind our houses, January 2010
Phil and I were going out to our cars to leave somewhere, and lo-and-behold, there was a police officer parked in your parking space! We were surprised to say the least, but he seemed like a nice guy so we said 'what's up.'
P&M: Oh, hello!
Cop: Hey guys, how's it going? Do you know your neighbor?
M: A little... (*sees Stacey walking outside to meet with the Cop)
Cop: Does she have mental problems?
P&M: shrug
The day we knew you had mental problems, February 2010
BANG BANG BANG...
To be continued...
Sincerely,
Maggie
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Roll Over
Dear Daisy,
I love you very much. But there is one thing that you do that perplexes me.
Considering that you sleep on the bed and have free range of the furniture, I would consider you to be well trained. So why is it that when I ask you to "Lay Down," you insist on rolling over too? You sit, lay, and then roll. Did I ask you to roll over? No. You just want to show off and hope that I am impressed enough to give you a treat.
I stress to you that "Lay Down" and "Roll Over" are two discrete tasks, and that by asking you to perform the first task, I do not necessarily want you to complete the second. Consider that there may be unintended consequences to rolling over. Rolling into people, furniture, other dogs, off ledges, or into puddles--these are all legitimate concerns or actual experiences.
So in the future, let us both try to avoid rolling over when we are not asked to.
Sincerely yours,
Philip
I love you very much. But there is one thing that you do that perplexes me.
Considering that you sleep on the bed and have free range of the furniture, I would consider you to be well trained. So why is it that when I ask you to "Lay Down," you insist on rolling over too? You sit, lay, and then roll. Did I ask you to roll over? No. You just want to show off and hope that I am impressed enough to give you a treat.
I stress to you that "Lay Down" and "Roll Over" are two discrete tasks, and that by asking you to perform the first task, I do not necessarily want you to complete the second. Consider that there may be unintended consequences to rolling over. Rolling into people, furniture, other dogs, off ledges, or into puddles--these are all legitimate concerns or actual experiences.
So in the future, let us both try to avoid rolling over when we are not asked to.
Sincerely yours,
Philip
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